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The Sheriff is Near

I’m a fan of the Cracked podcast. Phew. Feels good to get that off my chest. I listen to it almost religiously. I’m fairly sure I’ve heard every single episode they’ve put out since it’s inception. Not every episode is good, mind you. I remember an episode from about two years ago about pop culture expiry dates being one of the first episodes they put out whereupon after listening I was like “wow, what the fuck was that garbage?” I take the good with the bad, as you do, and I enjoy the (usually) thoughtful topics and (occasional) witty repartee.

Those of you who are familiar with Cracked in general and the podcast in particular will know that there is a certain amount of social justice warrioring that goes on. For the most part I tend to not let this get in my way of enjoyment because it is not the primary focus of the podcast and because they don’t usually sound like ultra smug zealots when touching on those issues. Having said that, their most recent episode, Ways America Was Shockingly Evil Very Recently was a progressive circle jerk of mammoth proportions. The elitist snobbery combined with a hypocritical lack of self awareness encapsulates so perfectly everything I hate about social justice warriors, so I thought it might be a worthwhile exercise to insert myself into their echo chamber and call some bullshit where the calling is due.


First off, Cracked, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt with that episode title. I’m gonna go ahead and assume that it was an intentionally click-baiting episode as a callback to the previous episode, and that you don’t actually think Seinfeld is shockingly evil. Because if that wasn’t intentional then…holy shit guys. Honestly I might be giving you too much credit, because you don’t acknowledge the joke at any point during the episode. Would that have killed you? At the end to just be like, oh and about the title, haha ya, clickbait bitches! Nope, if that title is a joke then you delivered it with the straightest of faces in which case, way to commit?

The first almost twenty minutes of the podcast are actually mostly fine. They talk about stuff like how the Reagan administration was so cavaliere about the aids epidemic, aka the gay plague (I guess a joke one of them made on tape). They also mention that gay sex wasn’t legalized in all American states until 2003. This is all interesting enough content, although I wouldn’t personally call it shocking, but I suppose some people might.

It’s after that first twenty minutes, when they start to talk about pop culture, that things get really cringe worthy; but before they dive into the pop culture analasys, they are sure to give the requisite apology for being white:

Phew, so glad you got that out of the way, I was almost going to take you seriously for a second. They then jump into talking about how awful old episodes  of Seinfeld are, talking about the classic first episode of season three, The Note, in which George receives a massage from a male masseuse and then later gives the hilariously memorable confession to Jerry: “It moved.”

And so when there’s a Seinfeld episdoe where the whole joke is: I had a massage from a male masseuse and it moved and then the whole episdoe is them freaking out about that and being grossed out about that, we watched that and thought that was funny and didn’t have a second thought about that whereas a gay male might have been like “so the joke is that my lifestyle is so terrifying that you would want to kill yourself because you think you might have slight leanings…

Gerry SeinfeldWhen he said that part about Geroge wanting to kill himself I was like, what? That seemed really dark for a Seinfeld episode, so I had to dig around a bit, find the episode in question and watch it for myself in it’s entirety to see if it’s really as awful as Jack is claiming here. Guess what, it’s not. Not even close. There is a couple jokes about George’s insecurity and Jack probably remembers the whole episode being about that because those jokes are quite easily the funniest jokes of the episode, but the reason it’s called The Note is because the main theme of the episode is actually insurance fraud, and it also deals with some other side plots such as Jerry having freaked out his masseuse by casually talking about child kidnapping and Kramer claiming to have spotted Dimaggio in a doughnut shop.

The implied homophobia of Jack’s statement is so grossly overstated (no one talks about being grossed out much less suggesting suicide) but these assertions are made so casually in the podcast without anyone calling him out on that bullshit because, as we must learn to recognize, SJWs always lie and exaggerate.

They go on to talk about how American Pie and American Beauty are all about horrific sexual deviants and then come to a point where for a moment it almost seemed like they were going to stop the circle jerk. Alex starts to talk about how we haven’t actually stopped making fun of certain demographics, but that we’ve merely shifted our attention onto new groups which have been deigned acceptable to mock, namely dorky white guys. Listen to Jack O’brien gaffaw at the notion that white guys exist for any reason other than shitting on. And just to be clear, a little later in the episode, they touch on fat shaming and conclude that it is awful because “fat people are just human beings.” So we know, we know where the line of who is deserving of basic human dignity and who is not is drawn:

Ah, the classic “so much built up horseshit” defense.

Just to be clear on my position here, I don’t give a filthy rat fuck who you make fun of. I’m not here to defend the young white nerd, I’m just disgusted, I mean literally disgusted at this double standard that we shouldn’t mock or shame people because we’re all humans except fuck white dudes, amirite? You act so gawdamned enlightened, but you can’t even take your own advice, you can’t even moral police properly, you fucking knob heads.

The podcast returns instantly to circle jerk mode and goes on for another 45 minute there, talking about how creepy everything from the 70’s was. One thing that was really irritating was when they tore apart Beautiful Girls, one of my favorite movies of all time (seriously if you’ve never seen it, do yourself a favor), talking about how creepy and paedophelia friendly it was (much the same complaints as American Beauty). Your moral righteousness is so boring.

diffrentstrokes2Listen, cracked dudes, here’s the point that I would like to make, if I may. The reason these things exist, the reason they are funny, or that they compel us, and get the reactions that they do from us, is because they are commenting on issues that many of us can relate to, even if we don’t want to admit it. And I hate to break it to you but honestly these things are not going anywhere. Most straight guys are going to continue to feel some level of awkwardness towards the topic of homosexuality and confronting their own possible homosexuality. That’s why that Seinfeld joke works so well. Most adult straight males are going to feel uncomfortable when tacking the issue of Lolita’s, which is why it is so important for these issues to be tackled in the art world, because this is precisely how we confront our demons in a way we can handle and progress and move forward, rather than trying to repress and deny all these things because they are deemed too taboo.

Do you know what your problem is? It’s not that gay jokes and trans jokes can’t be funny anymore. It’s that you’ve been conditioned to be triggered by that type of content. You’ve drunk so completely from the SJW brand kool-aid that these jokes simply elicit a Pavlovian response in you, and you think anyone who is immune to that conditioning is somehow inferior to you. We aren’t. How do you explain Ricky Gervais killing it at the golden globes recently? How do you explain that? You’re talking shit mate! That’s right, it is me, Bullshit Man, sit down, shut up, and stay irrelevant.

At one point in the podcast they even mention how there is an ebb and flow to progress and that when people start to talk about men’s rights it’s a sign we need to pull back because we are clearly being “too open minded” because not everyone can be a victim. You can’t make this shit up. Not everyone can be a victim, except literally everyone is except for straight, white men. What the fuck do you expect? This is the world you progressives have created, with all your stupid rules. You can’t make fun of gay people. You can’t make fun of trans people. You can’t make fun of fat people, or black people or slow people, but don’t fret, you still get white dudes and GamerGate. Social Justice, as brought to you by cracked magazined, ladies and gentlemen. Safe, packaged and lame as fuck.


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