Today’s internet confessional comes to us from redderdwarf via /v/fatpeoplehate. This man’s story spoke to me on multiple levels, which I’m going to address at the end of this post. Enjoy.
10 years ago I met a girl at the gym. She was a little chubby but actively working on it and completely fat-aware. Not trying to say “She’d be attractive if…” just setting up the scenario. I grew up in a pretty healthy family. Dad was a college football star, mom was pretty fit. I played football all through college and live a pretty active lifestyle.
Back then I was more open to fat, now I’m not. Anywho, we hit it off and started syncing up our workout times and eventually started dating. Everything was fine until we moved in together which was roughly 1 year after dating. Almost immediately she stopped going to the gym. I kept going because it was just something I always did. It was a part of who I was/am. We used to go on hikes, bike, swim, sporting events, etc., but that stopped as well.
Fast forward about a year and she gains 40+ pounds. I try to take her to the gym and I always got a ton of excuses. I try to take her to events and same thing. All she ever wants to do is sit on her fat ass and watch TV and surf the internet. I don’t know why (low self esteem on my part?) but we get married. Another year passes and I’m having serious doubts about our relationship. She gains more weight. When I’ve had enough, she gets pregnant. Fuck. This is the catalyst. She literally eats buffet style every day of her pregnancy. I have no idea how much she ballooned up to but it was disgusting. I didn’t sleep with her for a very long time. I felt like I had to stay with her since we were having a baby. I figured I’d just become celibate so my child would have an “unbroken” home. This leads to me developing a drinking problem because I can’t stand being around her fat ass sober. Kid comes along and there are complications like gestational diabetes. Fuck.
Fast forward a bit more. I’m suicidal. She does nothing to get off of her fatass to help with our child. I do everything, go to the gym 6 days a week, work 50+ hours a week, take care of our child, all while she sits and eats and sits and eats and sits and eats. She quits her job to be a stay at home mom. Fails horribly because she calls me while I’m at work all the time. It’s always some shit like “you left the diapers upstairs. Why would you do that? You know I have a hard time going up the stairs”.
She goes in for a check up for our kid at the doctor and I demand to go with her to let her doctor know about the self destruction and how it’s affecting our lives. With the doctors help, we force her to weigh herself. At this point, she’s in complete denial. She’s adopted the HAES bullshit and becomes a fatass, blue hair dyed, tumblerina. Anywho, she’s 5’6″ and 385 pounds… Still won’t even acknowledge that she’s fat as fuck. Won’t admit to the doctor what her real caloric intake or diet consists of: A gallon of ice cream every day and 4 trips to McDonalds every fucking day. She stopped leaving the house because she couldn’t fit anywhere we went.
At that point it had been years since I’ve had sex. I’m going fucking crazy. I’m fit, I put a lot of work into myself, and this fat fuck does nothing. I turn down opportunity after opportunity with other women for the sake of family. I tried to love and see past all of this shit for the sake of our child and because I took my vows very, very seriously. I finally left that toxic environment and she was genuinely shocked that it was because of her size. I mean, it got so bad that I’d just openly shitlord her in our home.
It took a lot to leave but I finally did and it was the greatest feeling and the most depressing time of my life. Great because I could finally see women who weren’t fat monsters. Depressed because I had to move out of the house and only get to see my kid every other weekend. Now it pisses me off to no end that she’s with our child full time and imposing her unhealthy life style on them. I’ve taken her to court for custody several times but the judge always sides with her because I don’t live in the best area (child support payments suck and I don’t want to live with roommates. So, I live in an apartment in the ghetto). And since I’m a contractor I don’t always have a steady income in the winters. She also brings up my drinking (been sober since the day I left her).
What a story, Mark.
Couple of points I want to make about this.
Be a shitlord
First off, young men need to be made aware of this pitfall and act accordingly. While I never personally went down this road, I have the benefit of age which means I’ve seen it happen to friend of mine. Better men than me trapped in miserable relationships with veritable land whales, raising children while turning to drink, drugs or even binge eating to cope with what must feel like a hopeless situation.
This is why I actively encourage fat shaming, at least to a certain degree, and I have a post I’ve been meaning to write for ages on that topic coming soon(ish). Guys need to understand that they shouldn’t feel ashamed for knowing what they want and insisting on having it too. You only live once so don’t spend it being miserable. That’s why I told the girl I’m currently seeing, straight up on the first date, that fitness is important to me and that I would have no qualms about leaving someone if they got fat. Now, I’m not saying you need to drop that on the first date, use your own judgement and discretion, but I think it’s worth being upfront and setting expectations in a relationship. I also understand that over time people develop emotional attachments to each other, so I’m not saying I would dump my girl if she gained ten pounds after a year, but at least she knows I reserve the right and that I was up front about it from the beginning.
Make a baby at your own risk
Obviously things get a lot more complicated once you have children, all I can say about that is don’t rush into having children, a lesson I learned the hard way, but that’s a story for another day. What I want to focus on today is Men’s Rights subtext of this post.
I don’t live in the best area (child support payments suck and I don’t want to live with roommates. So, I live in an apartment in the ghetto). And since I’m a contractor I don’t always have a steady income in the winters. She also brings up my drinking (been sober since the day I left her).
When discussing the bias against men in family court, you will often hear people say that the reason men don’t get custody is because they don’t ask for it. This is a fallacy. Obviously when discussing the bias we are not concerned about deadbeats. What we are concerned about are the good, hard working, caring fathers that get pushed to the sidelines in spite of the best efforts. It’s important for people to understand how the system works against men, because women being the de facto care givers is only the beginning and easily becomes a self–fulfilling prophecy in the long run.
The system financially terrorizes men at the children’s expense
When a couple splits if the man makes the mistake of allowing the woman to have custody of the child/ren, as is so often the case, he puts himself in a terrible position. Not only do the flawed family courts put an undo emphasis on status quo, treating children like delicate, fragile flowers that are incapable of adapting to changes in their circumstances, the financial terrorism of paying alimony and child support puts men in a position where they will likely find it very difficult to afford decent legal aid, while gender-specific tax-payer funded resources exist for women, the burden of these payments can put the man in a position where the judge is unlikely to view his environment as favorable for children.
I can personally attest to this. After a long and arduous court battle spanning almost two years (and still ongoing) I was able to get one weekend visitation a month included in the judge’s order. Unfortunately this order also includes multiple caveats not least of which is that I am unable to be entitled to these overnight visits with my kid if I am living with a roommate. Knowing what the housing market is like these days, you can imagine the options end up being quite limited.
I thought I had come to an understanding on this with my ex and so have recently moved into a house owned by another guy, a 44 year old professional welder with his own 10 year old daughter who lives here ever other week, in a beautiful, well-nigh lavish home 5 minutes from the beach with a trampoline and a sandbox and a huge yard, a veritable paradise for a child. I thought this was the logical choice vs spending MORE money to live alone in some shithole apartment.
But fast forward a few weeks after the move and I get into an argument with my ex due to the fact that she lied in the family justice report, claiming that I had been physically violent with her on multiple occasions (I never was). And so since she doesn’t like the fact that I had a few choice words for her after reading that revelation, she’s only gone and decided to be a spiteful cunt again refusing to let me have overnight visits since I live with a roommate, so my kid won’t get to attend her cousin’s birthday party this weekend, but I digress. Sigh.
Anyway, you can understand, hopefully, why this story struck a cord with me. I know I shouldn’t air my dirty laundry like this, but at the same time it’s kind of why I started this blog in the first place. Men’s rights are important to me and I think a lot of people don’t understand exactly how hard it is to win custody from someone that you’re also responsible for supporting financially. This is why I am such an avid proponent of the presumption of shared parenting.