One of the cruelest tricks behind the Ghostbusters reboot is that it starts off strong. Like most of you, I never thought much of Zach Woods when he first showed up on NBC’s The Office. Poor man’s BJ Novak, right? But watching HBO’s Silicon Valley has caused the unlovable scamp to grow on me. So it felt almost like cheating to have a funny male comedian making jokes about electrified anti-Irish fences opening the show that promised me estrogen fueled, politically correct humor. I was caught off guard, maybe this show wasn’t going to suck after all, I mused.
Have you ever been to a small, family run Italian diner with a reasonably priced menu and they bring you a complimentary basket of delicious, fresh baked bread and you think you might have just stumbled on your city’s best kept secret only to find out that the main course of ravioli is basically a microwave can of Chef Boyardee if Chef Boyardee filled his raviolis with dog shit and arsenic? That’s pretty much the new Ghostbusters in a nutshell.
Listen, don’t get it twisted, I tried to keep an open mind here. I tried to give this movie a fair shake. No scratch that, I didn’t just try, I really was legitimately prepared to enjoy this film and write it a fair and balanced review. It made no difference and regardless of what Cuckgon of Cuckad might tell you, this movie is bad is with a capital B.
Pictured: A literal cuck in it’s natural habitat.
Hear me now, I’m not here to complain about all the males being stupid or incompetent or straight up evil. In fact the only reason I even want to touch on this subject is to caution others against it. That is some feminist type criticism right there. Me, I’m from the old school. I don’t mind a little old fashioned sexism as long as it’s done right, and when I say right I mean funny.
But every time they managed to actually extract a chuckle out of me (like when Kristen Wiig begs the mayor not to be the mayor from Jaws) they would swiftly undo the work by dropping three cringeworthyly bad jokes in a row, sucking the fun out of the room like the way Paul Feig must sucks his wife’s bull while he’s performing his fluffer duties dutifully. It’s probably been over a decade since I last watched the original Ghostbusters, and I am not in any way, shape or form exaggerating when I tell you that I remember more funny jokes from that film than the one I just watched two days ago.
Adding insult to injury was the one obnoxiously loud woman in the audience who hollered with unbridled rapture at every lame twist and turn. I never knew an adult human could find so much joy in contrived jokes about bad Chinese takeout or exceedingly labored bits about how awkward and unconfident our heroines are (for example this joke from the trailer, seriously that is the tone of about 75% of the “jokes” in the movie). I’m not sure how much weed and/or crack that obeast smoked before the movie, but I’m guessing it was upwards of a lot.
My daughter, ladies and gentlemen
The crux of the problem, for those of us that aren’t either developmentally challenged children or drug riddled adults, is that the film appears to be targeted at developmentally challenged children and drug riddled adults. The original movie wasn’t family friendly to the point of being primed for Saturday morning television, but this one is. Gone are the smoking scenes, the drinking, the legit scares aided by realistic looking (for the time) effects, the risque jokes about sex. Gone and replaced with a literal parade of second rate, cartoonish CGI, caricature level ghetto fabulous stereotypes, and estrogen. Lots and lots of estrogen.
Look, when we say we love Robocop and Total Recall what we mean is those were awesome, badass movies. But when we say we love Ghostbusters, we really, really mean it. This is a bridge too far, Hollywood. What’s next, a reboot of The Princess Bride starring Justin Bieber as the Man in Black? A sequel to The Goonies staring a middle aged Corey Feldman that literally nobody wants to see? Oh thank fuck. The real, honest to god reason people wanted this movie bomb at the box office isn’t misogyny, it’s because maybe, just maybe Hollywood would take that as a hint to stop shitting on our collective childhoods.
1.5 stars, and it only gets that much because of the cameos which are the only thing that makes this worth watching, and even then there is one conspicuously missing cameo, much to my chagrin.
tl;dr Ain’t no bitches gonna hunt no ghosts.