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home Feminism, Sex & Sexuality [NSFW] On feminist sex, submissive degradation, BDSM, consent, and Jian Ghomeshi.

[NSFW] On feminist sex, submissive degradation, BDSM, consent, and Jian Ghomeshi.

A while ago I was listening to a Joe Rogan’s podcast and he made an offhand comment that really captured my imagination. I don’t remember exactly which episode it was or whom he was speaking with, but the comment was something to the effect that the more hardcore feminist views a woman holds, the more hardcore pornography that woman is likely to be into. As in, you know, bondage and what have you, use your imagination – but specifically porn that degrades women.Now Joe, in his infinite stoner wisdom, did not elaborate on this statement, much to my chagrin, but as I say, it is an idea that has decided to enter my mind and set up shop until I distill it to the best of my abilities, so gather around all ye feminists and perverts alike, as we take a trip down some of the darkest corners of our collective psyches…

Although it was not a stereotype I was familiar with, when Mr. Rogan dropped this bombshell, I couldn’t help but feel it had the ring of truth. There is an element of feminism that is heavily steeped in puritanical repression, which is one of the reasons that I find the ideology troubling, because repression is a tactic that often leads to trouble. I find myself thinking of other stereotypes that I’m already familiar with, like the conservative politician that campaigns on a platform of ‘family values’ while taking as many dicks as he can get on the weekend, or the politician that enforces the war on drugs while enforcing a bunch of blow up his nose on the weekends, or the black activist that advocates gun control while spending his weekends in search of his next racial-psychosexual high.

Eliza Dushku wallpaper

Yet another archetypal character comes to mind, it’s the powerful CEO who likes to to visit a professional dominatrix in order to be subjugated and degraded. I think that speaks volumes on this topic, don’t you? Post feminist society has thrust women into the dog eat dog world of the capitalist workforce with the promise of economic empowerment and personal fulfillment, but the results are in and it hasn’t exactly delivered on that promise. Rather than being liberated, the pressure to perform in the workplace has been stacked on top of the other pressures that women face in society, like the pressure to be beautiful, skinny, and virtuous; is it any surprise women are less happy in spite of all the pills we have access to for fixing unhappiness.

Is it really any surprise that this increased pressure to be a strong and independent decision maker has happened alongside a rise in kink and BDSM sexuality in the mainstream consciousness? Look what happens when we google ‘feminism and sexual submission‘, what you will find is an endless dearth of reading material from women who’s level of apologeticness ranges from somewhat, to bitterly ashamed:

I suppose what makes fellow-feminists wary is the violence and control wielded by a man on a woman (naturally, this also occurs the other way around but in my situation I am always the submissive one). What I’d like for people to realise is that this power and dominance only exists in a single moment, in a role playing situation, and is not ‘real’.

 source: Does Liking BDSM Make Me a Bad Feminist?

“I love being spat on during sex,” says Zoe, a 28-year-old graduate student I’m sipping espressos with. “The nastier the spit, the better. Does that make me a bad feminist? Do I need to burn all of my Audre Lorde books? Give back my Smith College degree?” She tosses aside a lock of hair as she laughs at the ridiculousness of her own rhetorical questions. I wonder how many times she’s caught a loogie.

source: Can you be a feminist and like rough sex?

But occasionally, when someone asks me if I watch porn, I feel embarassed to say that the only porn I regularly watch is founded on the (scripted) premise that a bunch of dudes are driving around in a van coercing women into having sex on camera with the promise of cash, before dumping them by the side of the road, shouting insults as they peel away.

source: Hit Me Baby, One More Time: Slapping, Spitting, Name-Calling and Other Sex Preferences I Feel Guilty About

I blame my recurring rape fantasy on the fact that I’m a feminist.

source: One Rape, Please (To Go)

nipple clamps

And on and on it goes, ad nauseam. There is also no shortage of feminists writing about their rape fantasies. Conversely, if we were to search up ‘feminism and sexual domination‘, we see all the same stuff, feminist women talking about being dominated. Sure, if you dig deep enough you can find one or two articles from bonafide dominatrix talking about their feminism, but are these merely the exceptions that prove the rule? Dominatrix is sldo a profession, one that pays cash money, but I really struggled to find articles written by feminists who practice domination just for the thrill of it.

It doesn’t surprise me so much that so many of these authors are talking about what would strike many people as rather hardcore sadomasochism stuff like being collared and pissed on. Hey, whatever floats your boat, ma’am. I’m not here to pass judgements, I am merely observing what I set out to observe, an apparent direct correlation between the vocalness of a persons feminism and their sexual submissiveness. Now, having said that…

bdsm torture marks on girls ass

With all the stuff in the media this last couple weeks from RooshV to Jian Ghomeshi, I can’t help but feel like this is an article who’s time has come, and that it speaks to something deep rooted in our cultural subconscious, if there is such a thing. People are fascinated by these two figures at this particular moment in history because they represent the intersection of two diametric but powerful ideas; one the one hand, that society needs to improve it’s handling of rape and sexual assault allegations; and on the other, that consent isn’t sexy.

The entire idea that a women who enjoys degrading, submissive, even violent sex, or who fantasize about being raped can still be a proud feminist is grounded in the idea of consent. It’s the argument that every one of these blog posts inevitably ends on. And you have to, to maintain any credibility as a feminist. To suggest otherwise would be downright dangerous. Which is why Roosh is such a compelling character we all love to hate. But following the Ghomeshi trial, which played out in a way that could have been scripted by Dick Wolf himself, I really find myself questioning who exactly it is that these feminist bloggers are trying to convince.

These women, when they’re alone with their rape fantasies, flickin’ the bean in the bathtub or whatever, are they really imagining elaborate staged scenarios that involve premeditated consent? Colour me dubious. Which brings me to Ghomeshi and the thing that I imagine many of us are thinking but most would never date to utter out loud…

Some people like being choked

Ghomeshi is seemingly the living embodiment of the darkest fantasies that these women have. A powerful, respected and successful man (before his fall from grace) that pushes the boundaries to their very limits. A man that is actually causing you pain, and isn’t asking your permission, because that’s the whole point. Consent isn’t sexy. Danger is. That might make you uncomfortable, but it doesn’t make it false. I guarantee you there are women out there over the last few weeks flicking their beans whilst imagining an impromptu tryst with our boy Moxy. I guarantee that shit.

What we seemed to have learned from watching the trial play out, is that these women loved what he was putting down, until it became clear he was no longer interested. Allow me to absolutely blunt here, they pursued him after the alleged abuse, each and every one of them. They. Wanted. More. Unlike witnesses, facts don’t lie. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, or upset. I’m sorry if that doesn’t fit with the narrative that you really wanted to be true, that man is just a vile predator and woman his virtuous prey. Shades of grey, indeed.

And yet, there is no shortage of bloggers, journalists and facebook posters out there, ready to bend over backwards to justify the victims collective behavior, including, but not limited to, lying in court, in the hopes of seeing Jian rot in jail. Maybe there’s more to it than wanting to see a man put in jail for hitting a woman. Jian represents the dark side of our sexuality that we don’t want to have to face. Consent isn’t sexy. If he is found guilty it would be a condemnation of this principle. But would that make it any less true…or even more so?

Jian Ghomeshi

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