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Pandering for fun and profit


People are always looking to make a few quick bucks pandering to these ultra insufferable social progress crusaders. Pimpin ain’t easy, but I put together some good inspiration to get you started. Dolla’ dolla’ bill yo.


Remember these fucking assholes? The original click-bait behemoth that was somehow able to combine the idea of social progress with every fucking rage inducing web design choice available. These guys really, and I mean really knew how to tap into the social zeitgeist with “stories” such as: “Bully Calls News Anchor Fat, News Anchor Destroys Him On Live TV“, “Bullies Called Him Pork Chop. He Took That Pain With Him And Then Cooked It Into This” and “Mitt Romney Accidentally Confronts A Gay Veteran; Awesomeness Ensues“. Indeed, the good old days when bullying was frowned upon . On top of their masterful ability to combine your love of being righteously indignant and your love of helping the less fortunate, like gays, the site employed every technique to force clicks, likes and newsletter signups.


The share functions were all designed to make it so that videos would link back to the upworthy site rather than simply playing on facebook or accidentally linking back to the original content on youtube. Once there a pop up would greet you by blocking the video you had come to watch and ask you some absolutely fucking inanely pandering question like “Do you think the world needs more goodness?” or “Are you against punching young children in the face, not in a parental beating kind of way, but seriously hard?”. Then it would have buttons that said something like “Yes” or “No, I’m heartless”. Choosing yes would give you a form to sign up for their newsletter. There was even some more built in shit when you tried to leave the site asking you to like them on facebook or whatever. A lot of my friends ended up ‘liking’ Upworthy and even I myself clicked through to way more of their posts then I should have. It was masterful and before every other “news” site on the internet decided to copy their techniques and make the most click-baitingiest headlines imaginable Upworthy was able to generate over 10 million dollars in 9 months.

Oh yea, did I mention none of their content was original? They made that money literally by sharing other peoples youtube videos. That’s what I call good pandering. So who’s our next stone cold balla? Ah yes…


GoldieBlox, the toy for parents who couldn’t possibly shove STEM down their daughters throats in a more ham fisted way if they tried. I really don’t know what to say about GoldieBlox. I bought one of the original sets when it came out as well as a hoodie for my daughter and matching hoodie for her mother. The quality was pretty so-so. You would be better off buying lego probably.

The skeezy thing about GoldieBlox is that every¬† single article about it’s creator Debbie Sterling starts off by mentioning the fact that she’s an engineer and she even has a personal blog called EngineeringGirl. She does have an engineering degree from Stanford, so well done, but it’s unclear if she actually ever worked as an engineer as she seems to have a long and pedigreed history in…do you know? Did you get it? Yup. Marketing.

GodlieBlox got it’s start on Kickstarter and I dunno how much cash they’ve pulled in, but I assume it’s a decent amount since after they royally pissed off the Beastie Boys they smoothed it over by paying 1 million to charity. Maybe that bitch shoulda made a toy that taught you girls how to build a corporate empire with zero dollars and just some good old fashioned pandering.

Well now you’ve got the inspiration you just need to come up with some bullshit idea for your kickstarter. Like feminist tinder or a home delivery cuddle service that offer discounts to survivors of sexual abuse and harassment. UberSpoon. That doesn’t exist yet. It’s all me, but you can have it, on the house. What are you waiting for, shitlord, get out there and start pandering. Incidentally, I have this awesome idea for a new comic book character. It’s like Thor, but with tits.


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